secret 23

… I am deleting old blogs…

I’ve deleted my blogs at blogspot and xanga because I’ve finally felt it’s too much. Livejournal, Facebook, Plurk, WordPress (*current*), FF.net and multiply are a-okay for me. A lot of things had happened that wasn’t planned. I’m not sure how to react but I can’t guarantee my un-laziness.

LJ is for stories and reading f-locked entries by fabulous authors. Facebook is for web games, contacting friends and workers and plain fun. Plurk is a micro-blog so I can post just whatever that pops up in my mind and not worry if it’s too short. WordPress is for many many private things because no one adds me here. FF.Net is for stories too, failed stories at that. And finally, multiply will be like my photobucket where I can upload pics and promote bands. Hahaha

I have a lot of broken promises and I’ll continue to make them because I’m expired. I want to die badly.

Yet trust in the Lord and he’ll make your paths straight.

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secret 21

…. people’s emotions are easily manipulated…

I’ve always believed that.

Sometimes when a person admits liking towards you, you don’t immediately react to it. That happens especially when you just noticed that person’s existence on the moment of confession. So when the impact of the confession finally sinks in, you realized that “Hey. That’s the first time someone confessed something to me like that” and you get all blushy and suddenly, you felt you also have a liking towards that person.

But then it’s a little too late. You already busted that person. Of course, you didn’t realized it but that person probably thinks that you did. So you tried your best getting his attention back (taking a little help from friends, of course) but after the ‘busted part’, you didn’t notice that person was being close with another person.

Well, they’ve been close a while back since they’re always together due to some school things but you can’t help notice that they’re closer than before despite that other person’s obliviousness.

Then what? Just because you put that person off means that person can give up on you? No more fights and all? So the feelings that person felt for you wasn’t real because it’s that easy to change to another partner? It’s that how fickle emotions are?

… people’s emotions are easily manipulated…

I’ve always believe that.

I also believe that there is a “it’s too late” concept.

~ something I learned from Toradora

secret 20

… a bad year is going to end and I’m trying to reflect and start anew…

This will be another long blog but that’s only because the year’s ending and I might want to summarize my whim so far.

Of Talent

I am going back to the drawing board. Reasons include envy, depression and pride. Okay, those are not pretty good reasons to return to art but that’s how my mind’s at right now. Honestly, I am semi-stalking a talented CDO-native artist right now and I can’t help it. To those who know this person, don’t say. Then why am I openly discussing it?? Because saying what’s on my mind on paper or blogs makes me forget things. Kinda ironic since people usually write notes to remember, not to forget.

Right now I AM SERIOUSLY MISSING APATHETIC. Reasons are solely based on art-mentoring or whatever that’s called. I’m stuck at a small roadblock but I’m making it a big deal because no art-prof-wanna-be is helping me out… No, I do not know other art-prof-wanna-be who goes online at the same time as me which from 11 pm to dawn. No, I do not have the money or other resources to meet with other art-prof-wanna-be outside the cyber world. If one knows, PM me through here or my DA’s or my CDOtaku account or my YM if you happen to know which account I frequently use.

Speaking of DA, I made a second account because I want to start fresh. It will be a sort of dumpster for stories I have in mind. The first story I will post there will be the majority of the survey’s result. I am referring to the survey I conducted during YM with people who were online at the same as I. You’ll all find out the results soon since Chapter 1 will be finished by next week. It’s not a long chapter and I guarantee boredom.

Year-Ends

It’s December 30, Philippines Time. This year will end after one day so I better summarize it up. Honestly, it’s been three things.

1) Unexpectedly Expected

Contradiction, I know. But only because what I’ve been expecting to happen in the past happened only now. I won’t elaborate because I don’t want to forget.

There was also the two annual dates that I’m glad pushed through despite the problems looming around. The first date was “Sisters’ Day”. We had money problems and we overspend our budget and now I AM BROKE. P4000 GONE IN LESS THAN A MONTH. *cries loudly* But I did not regret eating sushi and maki at Rai Rai Ken but I do regret eating the weird sushi in the sushi special.

The second date was with Risen8, my barkada. We went out of our usual beach tripping by going to Eco Village first. Boy, the hanging bridge was fun, especially when Reika was acting like a coward. No offense, Reika. XINJI!! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR SISTER! I’m just sad that amYu wasn’t able to come. T^T She was working as gift wrapper in SM (she’s a scholar under their program) so she couldn’t make it… and I missed her greatly, too.

And also, XU Days was a great annual welcome too. I always anticipate the drawing contest. Our first cosplay was a blast! What’s new is with Natasha Scholars and our mini-outreach program. Ate Kaycee gave us delicious torta~

Overall, we had fun. Of course, being with family and friends is pure unadultered FUN. And that’s coming from a gal with different familes – online and otherwise.

2) Teary Crap

I have been crying like everyday for 2 months during this year. DAMNIT I EVEN SAID TO MYSELF THAT I WON’T CRY DURING A SCHOOL TERM BUT I DID!

Advice to everyone: Think twice before crying for Love because, really, if it was Love, you wouldn’t be crying.

I suddenly remember a high-school pagaent I attended to (my sister’s, not mine). One of the contestants were asked about love (the question is a bit vague in my memory) and the answer went something like this: “Love knows no wrong. If you’re really in love, then you know what you’re doing is right” (not the exact words but the meaning’s there).

3) Despairingly Hopeful

Another contradiction. This was meant to describe my academic standing. Last semester, I was almost falling rock bottom. I could not enjoy semestral break because I know I did little to retain my scholarship status but by GOD’s grace and mercy, I managed to maintain it and I’m still here in my 6th semester. I maintain it by a hair’s breath… or whatever is the proper figurative language for it.

I can also use this to describe my social status. But I’m not saying anything since someone will complain and go “stop hiding, show your true self and talk to me directly” blah blah shit and crap.

As the year ends, I pray I understood my lessons (especially in ICS 34 and 35), sharpened my programming skills (JSP, anyone?), redeemed my talent (criticize me, PAY ATTENTION TO ME), and changed for the better (yeah, I should stop promoting yaoi and hurting potential suitors).

secret 19

I joined XU Days…

Last December 3-6 2008 was our school’s, Xavier University, celebration. Popularly known as XU Days, the celebration was to commemorate the death anniversary of St. Francis Xavier although most students forgot why they celebrate XU Days in the first place. As the years past, XU Days had become less of St. Francis Xavier and more of students showing off their talents and booths.

Not that I’m any better… The online community I joined in, CDOtaku Online Anime Community, reserved a room (STC 305) to show off our otaku-ness. Seems like I’m also part of the majority. ~_~

Fan art, Cosplay, Naruto PS2 tournament, Melty Blood tournament, Guitar Hero, Anime Film Fest, Anime Music Galore were the activities held. Too bad the merchandise didn’t come on time so the Admins and Mods decided to concentrate on the activities.

There were two parts in the Fan art contest. The first part was held on Dec 4 and was open only for XU Students. My friend, Beja, won the first place while Roca placed second. The second part was on Dec 6 and it was open for all. I anticipated this because firstofsummer and Kring2x joined. I am a fan of their work (especially firstofsummer’s fanfictions). The second one actually had a theme: action pose with material weapon. Of course, firstofsummer bagged the first prize while Kring2x bagged the second. I deleted my sister’s pictures of their art because my sis had a shaky hand. :F

The cosplay was the main attraction of the booth. It was a succesful one at it because we didn’t expect that there will be as many guest cosplayers as CDOtaku cosplayers. More newbies for the community… hope the old ones won’t scare them away. My sister took pictures of the cosplayers and their in a multiply album open only to my contacts. Again, CONTACTS and not network. I’m doing this because I grabbed some pics and some people doesn’t want their faces to be seen. More pictures are available here and here. The latter is also private.

I cosplayed as Nana Osaki from Nana.Oh yeah, I was also in charge of the Naruto Tournament (although I was very late on the second day ~__~” )

Nana Osaki of Black Stones (Nana)

Oh yeah! My favorite picture is this:

That’s my friend cosplaying as Anna Kyouyama of Shaman King. XD Don’t worry, we always do that.

As for the closing, my sister bought an mp3 player and I’m currently borrowing it. Bwahaha~ and I like the new layout of wordpress dashboard. cool.

secret 18

XU Days will start next week (from December 3 to 6). Prelims week happens the week after that and another week after that will be the start of Christmas Break. Classes will then resume by January 5, 2009.

Okay, I was writing a blog in my PC earlier when suddenly the browser restarted and since multiply has no auto-save feature, the long rant I planned to post disappeared just like that. Who would not be furious at that? So I opened up my laptop and began writing here. Good thing I had a laptop. Thank you very much tita!! *starts tears of joy*

So I will rant here while my PC is busy scanning itself for any possible viruses. And I don’t care if no one would bother reading this. It makes no difference to me because this is my stress reliever… writing to myself, that is.

Back on my first thought, I say one month is not enough to prepare oneself for the Prelims especially when it happens a week after a big event. It is a given fact that everyone should celebrate XU Days. It’s like Last Supper… having a grand feast before the execution. It’s not a good thought, really. Especially when a certain majors teacher gives us a hundred-slide powerpoint presentation to read during the week before Prelims.

There’s no use complaining, eh?

Let’s go to the next topic, XU Days. This year would celebrate not only the 75th year of Xavier University but anime fan’s day. Cosplay, Fan art, Games. This will be a big year for CDOtaku although not the first one. This would also be my third year in CDOtaku and I’m glad to say that I have now been given the priviledge to handle the Naruto PS3 Tournament.

Speaking in the line of competitions, I have plans in spending half of my break in joining XStop’s Lyrics Interpretation Contest. Let me see if I can interpret well. >:D

Now let’s talk about Christmas Break. As usual, I’ll be spending one day with my sister. We call it Sister’s day and we’ve been doing it for 4 years. Freakin’ sister likes an i-pod for Christmas. DX However, we did agree to split the money for it so it’s not that bad on my part. We might be going to Vienna Cafe in Divisoria, Cagayan de Oro. I’ve been there before with kazumi and I don’t actually like the place, neither am I sure that my sister will also like it BUT it would be fun going into a fancy restaurant with her. Honestly, it’s fun going anywhere with her because she’s my sister and I love her…. no matter how much I may deny it. >8D

Let’s end the mushy stuff there and I guess it’s time to end this rant. I want to continue to write my stories but inspiration is running away from me. Putting things on hiatus can’t go on anymore, though. I want manga and fanfiction to update faster because it makes me sad not being able to read continuations of my favorite stories. DX I also want to continue to play the piano (AND I WILL)… and I need to call Natasha for my free clothes. 8D

secret 17

I love cute flash games especially the ones with a calming background music…

Yes, I like to hurt cute things but that does not stop me from playing flash games with cute characters.

I found a site which is the playground of Ferry Halim, Orisinal. I just want to share since I’ll be paying frequent visits there during the semestral break.

I’m now working on updating Parent Trap and And the Darkness Fled. I’m not sure if I’ll post them in livejournal though because I’m pretty secured with Fanfiction.net.

The manga Kuroshitsuji is now an anime! Me and my sister just watched the Opening and Ending Animation of the series and we found the songs and the series very nice. Can’t wait for the series to end so we can buy a CD! Yey~ I’m going to request AnimeCDO to do this when a subber comes out.

That’s all for now since I’m still playing and my sister is still here.

GOD is always with us. He waits with us, rejoices with us. He does this because He loves us and I let Him because I love Him.

secret 16

It’s the semestral break and I’m not confident with my work… I’m also updating my online life…

It looks like Friendster blog took up the style of wordpress… Imagine my shock.

Because I haven’t been posting there for a long time, I decided to place a visit and what a long time indeed… or maybe friendster blog has always been like this and I’m just gone for too long to remember. O_O

Sememstral Break has come and the dreaded wait before the release of grades has also come. I don’t feel positively confident with my performance this semester but I pray that I am able to salvage what’s left of me~!! D:
I pray that my scholarship won’t disappear but if it will, it’s totally my fault for not keeping up but I am praying and I did good with my final exams lately… but final exams are not the only basis for the grading system. sheesh.

But before I mourn (if failed) or rejoice (if not) on my grades, I will make use of the waiting time to update and revisit my online world/diaries/blogs etc. So let’s see, because of StumbleUpon, I have encountered lots of blogging sites and of the like so I had acquired  9 blogging sites: 8 old and 1 new. Lewl… So I only found 1 with StumbleUpon. <_<

I am also hoping to update my online works and revisit my DA which I keep on avoiding because of too many broken promises and my old works are taunting me to trash them D: I WANT TO TRASH THEM!! That thought makes me want to make a new DA account but let’s see if I have the patience. I am not avoiding my fanfiction and own fiction works despite my lack of attention on them. hahah.. I will get back on those soon. Hm… maybe when I finally understand livejournal and get it to change into the theme I want (even though I’m only a free user with limited access to features), I can get the peace of mind to continue my works.

That’s all for now. GOD speed and more power.

*cross posting this everywhere but written in slightly different versions per blog*

secret 15

I understand…

I understand why Kim would not want anyone else to touch her…

I understand why Kim misses Amoo even if they see each other almost everyday…

I understand why Kim is sometimes afraid…

I understand why Jen would not want any oter lips pasted on hers…

I understand why Go would still go back to Jen…

I understand why Jen and Go are still strong despite the factors hindering their relationship…

I understand why Cat would not want her best friends turning up hard-core gays or hard-core lesbians…

I understand why Ayet would not leave the man she’s ‘in-love’ with despite that she’s in-denial and there’s a third party…

I understand why Lei and Gil would want to find ‘friends with benefits’…

I understand why Gil is so touchy to his friends…

I understand why Pa can’t quite let-go of Reika…

I understand why Reika let-go of Pa…

I understand why Reika likes Gong…

I understand why Gong would be so nice to people who is infatuated with him…

I understand why it is so hard to move on…
… especially when you don’t want to yet the world tells you to.

I understand because I would have done the same thing if I were in their places. But, GOD, I thank you that it hadn’t happen to me yet (well, most of it, anyway), I’m still a child (in mind and in heart) to understand the pains of the world through first-hand experiences.

GOD, you gave me friends so that I may be able to learn from them what I cannot understand through self-learning. May I be able to put their experiences, feelings, shattered hopes, and all those overwhelming emotions into my own heart so that I can think before I act and stay committed.

Also, may I be an example to them so that they may also learn.

secret 14

I am afraid to feel permanently attached to anyone that is not already Blood Related or GOD…

In other words, I’m afraid to feel genuine love. Yes, I love my friends but that doesn’t mean that I can’t leave them when the time comes. It is only GOD that I will not leave when the time comes. I think I want to be a passerby in everyone’s lives since they are just passer-by’s in my life. That’s probably the reason why I got rattled and hoped for something so fake and beautiful. At least for others, it’s beautiful. For me, it’s a hideous sight. How can anything except GOD’s love for us be something beautiful? Do I believe my parents love each other? I believe that GOD meant them to last forever. Do I love my sister? Of course. She’s my sister… and the same thing applies to my relatives. I can’t leave them harmed. But if it’s between GOD and human, I’d go for GOD because GOD won’t hurt me. If I feel hurt, it’s only because he loves me and he wants me to learn.

Now, HUMAN LOVE. When a human loves a another human. Even if a man came up to me and said “GOD meant for us to be together.” I would reply “Are you GOD? How can you be so sure? You’re only human.”
Alright, Alright. Not even I can hear GOD as clear as Jesus hears Him… or Moses or David… That’s why I’m asking for a white crow + you’re still you tomorrow. It is proof that love from someone completely human exists and can be trusted. Now I’m afraid to sleep. T______T

Tomorrow is Lei’s birthday.

Tomorrow is when I’ll know if GOD wants me to be loved by humans as much as He loved me.

Tomorrow is the end of me saying “I love you”.

I cry when I feel something close to real. I know what I’m feeling is very shallow yet I care for those who can’t care for themselves. I pray I could be like that fictional person in V for Vendetta. The one who wrote the note and left it in the prison where she was in. I pray I could say “I love you” for real. Real as in “In words and in deeds”.

Lord, May I Love You.